At some point in 1982, my biological father, an elf and mother, a train crash, decided to piss the whole world right off. The most appropriate way to do this was to have a child.
Immediately after my birth, realising what an ugly piece of shit had been created, they swapped me with another child at Mill Road Maternity Hospital.
I can’t really remember the first two years of my life possibly because I did fuck all or possibly because I wasn’t like most children, I was retarded, I choose the latter.
My first memory was being stuck in a wardrobe in my first house in Hardwick. To this day I am not sure if I got myself stuck or whether my father put me in there to stop me getting in the way of his TV watching. We lived there, apparently for two years. During this time an activity my parents like to partake in was throwing me from our garden to the next door neighbours through conifers.
Other than this I can’t remember much else, that happened in Hardwick, other than one winter morning, when 3 inches of snow had fallen, my mother coming to the back door and finding me banging on the back door after I had ‘somehow’ trapped myself outside in just my pants and vest.
I moved to Over shortly after my younger brother was born. I remember seeing a big lorry, I think that’s what they brought my brother in, we could have used it to move house though.
I was sent to the local playgroup I guess I was about three. Once again I do not remember much about this. I think this my have been the point where my luck with women may have started to go down hill. I had begun to take a liking to a girl at the playgroup. I stood on a chair to kiss her across the table, I must have slipped or more likely she was repulsed and punched me in the nose. I fell backwards in to a radiator, gashing the back of my head. I had to have stitches, which I don’t really recommend having as they hurt like getting you finger stuck in a door whilst being repeatedly hit in the face with a hammer.
My next memories are from primary school. I remember my first year, meeting John and some other friends. I remember playing tag, running around the playground and beating the shit out of a kid called Rix, he was a grade ’A’ tit. Even at the age of five we all knew he would at some point in his life wear his mother’s tights and slit his wrists.
I didn’t really get in to too much trouble as a kid, I was too dumb. I was made to play Dennis the Menace with some kids, I got to be the kid that got beat up. Whoever said reading is good for kids was full of shit.
